Bleach : Self Reflections
by Juunko
Summary: These are self reflections from random Bleach characters points of view.
1. Kuchiki Byakuya : Change

Kuchiki Byakuya, despite popular belief, was always trying to change himself, but he'd learned a long time ago that to change a person's true nature was next to impossible. Whenever he felt himself changing, even just a little bit, the events surrounding him always seemed to remind him of what/who he really was and reality gave him another smack in the face.

When he'd met Hisana and was smitten with her, he had taken her in and ignored the complaints that ricocheted behind his back -but within hearing distance, sadistically enough- about the inappropriateness of their relationship. They'd gotten married, and he was content with the idea of her getting to know him, and hopefully love him over the years. He could feel himself changing for the better. Compassion grew, and more than the meager share of tolerance he'd had before flourished, but with her death, reality gave him, yet again, one of it's harsh blows.

He hadn't really lived since then, but searched for Hisana's sister like she had asked him to while he was hovering beside her death bed. When he'd found her, just as small as Hisana but bursting with life and potential, he gave a sigh of relief and immediately fulfilled his promise. He had been ready to try and change again, but she stayed cool to him, always proper, and he could never find the right moment to open himself to her, to show that he was willing to have the close relationship he assumed brothers and sisters had. So, when she was accepted into the Gotei-13, he handed her over to Ukitake and his fukutaichou, Shiba Kaien.

He saw Rukia blossom into what he had always know she could be and it quelled the pain of disappointment at his failure at relationships. Seeing change always makes you crave it yourself, and it slowly crept into him. Just when he thought he could nurture his hope, the hollow came. Kaien died. And Rukia drew further into herself -and away from him- than ever before. That was when he had killed his hope.

When Abarai Renji transferred over from the 11th squad, all whoops, hollers, and uncouthness, he'd been secretly amused. Even if he couldn't see it in himself, the potential in others always lit up the flames inside him. The long thought dead embers of hope rekindled themselves. Sure, he had to sand over the rough edges and get Renji to restrain himself at least a little, but the luminous glow of youth and power shone from him. It made Byakuya wonder when he started to think of himself as not-young. Not even in his mind would he dare say 'old'.

Then, the douse of cold water drenched his life again. The two promises he made, both somewhat contradictory to each other in the first place, clashed violently as Rukia was sentenced to death. Feeling his own pain and sensing it in his fukutaichou didn't knock the kind of sense into him that it did in other people. That kind of sense was forcibly inserted via one Kurosaki Ichigo.

That walking fire of justice -the kind Byakuya had once believed in- sparked his own. Looking back, he secretly wished it had happened sooner, that he had never strayed so far from himself to ruthlessly slaughter his own fukutaichou, turn his back, and leave him for dead. Doing something like that, no matter the reason, made him disgusted with himself. Renji's forgiving, or rather, 'Hey. We both had to do what we had to do.' attitude only soothed him slightly. It was the return of the light in Rukia's eye, her boisterousness and laughter, that really saved him from a kind of self-imposed despair.

So, Kuchiki Byakuya began to heal, and just like Hisana, Rukia, Kaien, and Renji before him, Ichigo once again started the seed of hope and change growing. This time, Byakuya thought to himself, he would nurture it and not let reality crush it like the times before. It was time for a fresh start. 


	2. Abarai Renji : Left Behind

They had grown up together and watched their friends die one by one. They had joined the academy and learned how to become shinigami together. They'd both joined the gotei 13, her a little sooner than he. He'd had to give her up for what he had hoped was a better life. They went their separate ways, but they were still close enough. Then, she had left him behind to go to Karakura. When he finally came for her, it was to capture her. It wasn't until later that he realized he'd captured her to die...

For a long time he was in denial. Byakuya-taichou did nothing to save her. She didn't even truly look like she wanted to be saved, but he should have known better than to trust that calm appearance. Hadn't he known her most of his life? Hadn't he run around Rukongai with her, struggling to survive? What kind of a friend, hell, what kind of a man was he, to sit back and watch? He had to do something...

He had nearly died twice trying to do just that. Something. Once to do his duty and keep her prisoner and a second time trying to set her free. He had fought Kurosaki Ichigo to prevent her from escaping. He had trained hard and fought his own taichou to save her. He had lost both times, and the result was the same. She was going to die. But instead, Ichigo... He saved her as the betrayals of their own were discovered. Just like that, after all the blood and sweat he had lost, she was saved by someone else. It was like saying he had never been good enough. All that he had worked for was for nothing. As a man, he felt jealousy sharper than the pains inflicted on him in battle.

Lying in bed with Zabimaru beside him, he realized just how pathetic he was being. Jealous of another man because he'd done what he had set out to do. Didn't he even ask Ichigo himself to save her because he knew he wasn't strong enough? He had, and despite the idiocy of it all, he secretly loathed the idea. Asking someone else to do his job...

Seeing them together, laughing and fighting, just like how they used to be, he wondered how it all could have happened so fast. When had he been replaced in her life so completely it was like he had never been there? The green glow of jealousy spread. But all at once, he realized it was alright. Maybe it was the boot to the head Rukia had given him for being so distant lately or it was the realization that he and Ichigo had more in common than he would have thought. He leaned towards the orange-haired boy as he rubbed the imprint of the sole of Rukia's shoe off his face.

"Oi, Ichigo. You better not fuck it up," he growled. The other man looked confused and indignant, but Renji turned his attention elsewhere.

He supposed that if he had to choose a man to lose Rukia to, at least it was one who could protect her where he had failed. Even if it ended up with him only knowing Rukia in passing again, he knew that there would always be a small place in her heart for him, if not the bottom of her foot.

Note : Man. This was tough to write. I don't even know when this idea came into my head, but it was easier to write than Hitsugaya's, which stalled after 4 lines and had to be jump started 3 times. :sighs: I'm hoping that Byakuya wasn't the pinnacle of my self-reflective works. 0.o If it turns out to be, I'll stop and work on my other stuff…


End file.
